You Know It's a Bad Day When …

… you finally remember the name of that person you promised to visit in the hospital—while reading the obituaries.

… you can't find Obadiah while leading a Bible study.

… the groundskeeper accidentally waters your study along with the flower bed.

… in the pulpit you notice your sermon notes this week are for last week's sermon.

… the youth pastor urgently asks you about the church's liability insurance.

… your church treasurer sends you a post card from Geneva.

… the manse redecoration committee gets "a good deal" on used chartreuse carpet.

… you are informed that the youth group used steel wool sponges for their car wash.

… the couple you married a year ago calls to ask about a warranty.

… you are elected Pastor Emeritus—and you're only 28.

:D

Joining with John Wayne and finding humor in the church, I share this story to bring a smile to our faces.


Gladys Dunn, who had recently moved into a retirement community in a small town in Kansas, walked to church not far from her apartment complex one beautiful Sunday morning.

She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as the music from the choir. She was not however not very impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring, and as she looked around the large church, she noticed that many of the other parishioner apparently felt the same, since some of them were nodding off.

When the reverend was finished with the sermon, he encouraged his congregation to greet those sitting close to them. Gladys tuned toward the man sitting to her left. HE, too, had fallen asleep, and he was now yawning and stretching, trying to wake up.

He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

"You and me both, " the man replied.

Tune is "The Church's One Foundation"


The Anglican Communion
Was mightily distressed
When bishops of ECUSA
Their heresies expressed,
And in Convention showed not
Repentance or regret,
But chose to walk their own path,
Firm in their own ways set.

Political correctness
And chic diversity --
These are our church's hallmarks,
And quite our cup of tea.
We follow where the winds blow,
We are the church of NOW.
We're new Episcopalians
And trendier than thou.

Our gospel is inclusive.
(The other one's passé.)
We welcome all the sexes,
Transgendered, lesbigay.
And though we're loudly preaching
Our relevant good news,
We are a tad perplexed by
So many empty pews.

"To God alone be glory"
This used to be our song.
With Kathryn Jefferts Schori
It likely won't be long
Before we change our story
And sing another tune;
Not Father, Son and Spirit,
But Mother, Child and Womb.

Our church has no foundation
And Christ is not her Lord.
She is our new creation
By our own mighty word.
The Bible's too oppressive,
And morals leave us bored.
Who then is our salvation?
It's our own selves adored. >>

Samwise

Too Funny and very very cute


Tony

:P :D :lol: B) :rolleyes: :) :unsure: <_<

Yes to some quite funny and to others not so much. Obviously, being new you probably don't realize to some jokes of this nature are offensive. Thus, jokes were moved to their own thread (correct word?) so those wishing to be exposed would know to go to that thread. So enjoy.

Worldwide Ned
PRESS RELEASE:

San Clemente, Ca
31Aug 2006


ICCEC Archbishop Adler Deposes the planet Pluto.

The planet Pluto suffered its second and most serious blow in a week when Archbishop Randolph Adler officially deposed the former planet. Following on the decision by the International Astronomical Union meeting in Prague demoting the much beloved Pluto from the list of planets, the CEC prelate thought it wise to go ahead with the ecclesiastical demotion as well.

San Clemente spokesperson and CEC Grand Theologian, Bp. Cato Kaelin, known for his "excellentness" during the OJ Simpson ordeal, was quoted in the offical announcement:

"Dude, its like, its not even, like, a planet."

Interrupting the news conference was Fr. Heinrich Von Furstenberger, the ICCEC Commandant of Depositions, a new diocesan position. Fr. Heinrich spoke menacingly into the microphone, stating that Archbishop Adler had found the movements and orbit of the diminutive ex-planet to be "suspicious" and was likely to be "whispering" to the other planets in the solar system, "fostering disunity."

It is not known how many other objects in the solar system may also be on the list for possible deposition. There is rampant speculation that with its peculiar orbital pattern, Venus may also be on the Archbishop's 'hit list." However, most experts point out that since the planet is named for the super-babe Greek goddess of the same name, that Venus will be spared.

NEWS RELEASE

Sept. 1, 2006

SAN CLEMENTE: District Attorney Toney "Baloney" Rackasack today announced an investigation into possible polygamy against Randy Adler, head of the Charismatic Episcopal Church.

'In light of the recent arrest of fundamentalist Mormon Warren Jeffs and attendant public outcry, we just had to do something about this local alleged fundamentalist. We understand that he is carrying around pictures of "two wives", raising serious issues of polygamy.'

Adler's office , through church representative Doug Kessler, responded by saying that the pictures of the second wife were of a "future wife", not a present wife.

Rackasack said, "But our problem is that the local Bishop has been teaching that spiritual things are just as real, and even MORE so, than material things, so we have a problem: he teaches that the future is the present, so it's polygamy. Even if his teaching is wrong, isn't it still adultery if the spiritual is more real than the material to him? Besides, we've received complaints from the second wife's husband about all this.", Rackasack said.

Adler's response was, "Rackasack and California don't have jurisdiction. This should be heard in the heavenly realm". Asked where that is, Adler response was, "Go West, young man". When prompted further as to the location of this jurisdiction, he admitted, "West of the Phillipines."

DA Toney "Baloney" Rackasack said a future press conference would be held in mid September.



Rueuter's News:

THIS IS PARODY

Amusing!

We used to sing a similar version at Nashotah House to the same tune -- something like this . . .

The Church's One Foundation
Is the Church Pension Fund
Without their good retirement
Some more would cut and run
Some would submit to John Paul
And some to Antioch
But promise of retirement
Shall keep them in the flock!

Integrity on one side
The Synod on the other
Inclusive language dictates
Change Father into Mother
The Anglo-Catholics won't change
Lace albs were meant for men
The liberals claim no outcasts . . .
If you agree with them!

At Nashotah House, we would play Seabury-Western Seminary in Chicago in flag football each year in the annual "Lavabo Bowl". :rolleyes: And yes, there was a silver lavabo bowl with the scores engraved upon it.

Our fight song: (To the tune of "On Wisconsin")

On Nashotah
Down with all the
Liberal Protestants!
Our position
On tradition
Is our best defense (Hail Mary)!
On Nashotah
Sacerdotal
Catholic liturgies!
Highchurchmanship
Brings us to VICTORY (Hail Mary)!

Love ya David. But man, you always were a nerd! LOL

Humor of the Mensa set....always amusing.

Jaybird
aka Epperley's favorite!

You Know You're Too Old for Youth Ministry When …

You think pizza ought to be reheated before it's eaten for breakfast.
You assume shopping malls are for shopping.
You volunteer to host the senior-adult Bulgarian travelogue in order to avoid another lock-in.
You lose the spiritual gift of sleeping with one eye open at youth camps.
You think "retreat" means rest.
Your third fifteen-passenger van has 99,000 miles on it.
You begin to question, on a summer trip, why you often drive more consecutive hours than the federal government allows truckers to.
You dream about going into a nice, relaxing occupation—like being an air traffic controller.

:D

Funny! and add these:


You Know You're Too Old for Youth Ministry When …

You have been using the same ringtone since 2005
You don't even know what a ringtone is
You think Paris Hilton is nothing special
You went to the 1988 SuperBowl - you are old, really old
You wear pants with an adjustable waiste

THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

I had only been a Catholic for a few days and I found myself at the first week of Basic Training. The Drill SGT had us line up and say our name and religion for our dog tags. Being in South Carolina many reservists from the area get their training there and most are Southern Baptist so as SGT went down the line he asked each one what they were. I heard "Baptist, Baptist, Baptist..." The line was long and I started to think of a Ray Steven's story about a Baptist hairstylist so when my turned came I yelled out, "Private Follis...Baptist! ... I mean Catholic"
The SGT said,"Now dad gummit, what the freakin are you?" I responded, "I am a Catholic!" This was literally the first time I had ever said it. The Drill SGT helped me really know what I am today.

A few weeks later, I received my dog tags. They read, "Kenneth A. Follis A Positive Roman Catholic." I chuckled for a minute there that day reflecting on the how close it came to reading Baptist but now it affirmed I was positive that I was Roman Catholic. It sank in, I was truly and positively a Roman Catholic. Of course, I later learned that the A Positive was my blood type and not an adjective of my Catholicism.

I don't wear the rainbow striped bowtie anymore, though! :rolleyes:

OUCH!!! I could resent, um, represent some of these remarks!!! :D

Ned of The World: "News you can Lose."
Press Release
19Sept, 2006

Nariobi, Kenya


KOKO the Gorilla Elevated to ICCEC Episcopate

The first known actual PRIMATE to be elevated to the episcopacy in the ICCEC was announced last week via a satellite linkup between Bishop-Elect Koko's jungle "see" and the Archbishop, $Randolph Adler in San Clemente.

A search for an appropriate diocesan posting is underway. The recent vacancy in the Eastern Province is a possibility provided that the Archbishop can secure the necessary logistical arrangments to provide an ample supply of fresh bananas or other jungle fruits for the newly minted Bishop.

With the failure of inter-communion dialogue, the ICCEC is instead turning to "inter-species" and even "inter-phylum" understanding. It is believed that Bishop Koko will oversee the CEC's ecclesiastical relations with:

* Mammals
* Invertebrates
* Miscellaneous Algaes

The latter group has often clashed with San Clemente, claiming that "they are sick and tired of being treated like SCUM."

Though it is true that Bishop Koko has many challenges in starting his ministry with the CEC, notably the lack of opposable thumbs, many are excited about the possibility of the ICCEC attaining the 20Million member target through the recruitment of many groups of animals during the annual "migration of the herds" through the serengheti plains.

Also, the practicality of Bishop Koko to provide 10% of his required monthly TITHE to San Clemente presents logistical challenges in shipping 10% of his banana intake to $Abp. Adler.

Finally, Bishop Koko's lack of toilet use skills and lack of seminary training are seen as a "fresh, new move of the spirit." To fully equip him for ministry in the CEC, a prosthetic hand will be attached to the gorilla's hand, making cigar smoking possible. However, since single malt scotch is toxic to gorillas, the ICCEC Commission on Fine Spirits is investigating using cheap Finnish Vodka to get the bishop liquored up.

The Installation Ceremony

The installation ceremony was breathtaking, with all of the CEC's remaining bishops (and their wives!) in attendance. During the processional, Bishop Koko swung from the light fixtures to get to the altar.

Koko wore a smart, purple "undergarment" and a "I Love Jane Goodall" T-shirt, while the St. Michael's parish choir sang "Born Free." Many fashionistas were heard to have remarked at how well dressed Koko was for the ceremony, clearly outshining Abp. Adler in the fashion category.

"Well...at least Bishop Koko wore pants!" A clearly disgruntled parishioner said of the Archbishop's attire.

Way to Go Ned this is tooooo fuuuunnnnyyyyyy

Tony :P :D :lol: B) :rolleyes: :) ;)

This is really bad, but I read the above quote (in the other CEC thread) three times and I would have sworn he wrote "betrays a spirit of monkey that is not from the Holy Spirit."

BTW, the thought of Koko swinging across the light fixtures as his processional is priceless.

Randy Antler



Randolph, the red-nosed bishop

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.



Now all the other bishops

just laugh and call him names.

They no longer let poor Randolph

join in any bishop games.



Then one foggy summer eve

+Kenneth came to say:

"Randolph with your nose so bright,

won't you leave my wife tonight?"



But most of the PC loved him

as they shouted out with glee,

Randolph the red-nosed bishop,

you'll go down in history! [B][/B]

Sam,

That betrays a spirit of Flanders that is not from the Holy Spirit! However, that didn't stop several involuntary chuckes. Especially the 3rd stanza.

Press Release
News You Can Lose
Oct 3, 2006


ICCEC Patriarch Randolph Adler Steps Down: Appoints Ned Flanders To Head the Worldwide Communion In His Place.

After the ICCEC Patriarch's Council meeting this past week, Archbishop Randy $Adler lost the See of San Clemente to relative newcomer, (Stupid) Ned Flanders, following an extremely poor poker bet.

A clearly shaken $Adler had little choice but to turn over the communion as he had tossed his favorite glow-in-the-dark mitre into the "pot" along with his Manilow collection on 8-track. Flanders, winning with 3 aces, was exultant:

"Goodily-diggedy good for me! I dont even own any blue glasses!"

Observers questioned both the Archbishop's sobriety and his knowledge of card games in general, as he was seen to be confused as Flanders called with the winning hand, with the arch-bish shouting..."GO FISH!"

During the Transition Litturgy, Adler was resplendant, wearing his latest Ecclesial Garment: Mork-and Mindy suspenders over a tastefully faded "Jimmy Buffet: Margaritaville Concert" T-shirt, with his comfy-est silk pajama bottoms. A fishing hat over a bridal veil held the patriarch's hair in check.

Giving himself a new ecclesial title, HIS MOST SOOPER NEDLIESTNESS, Archbishop Ned Flanders was magnanimous, waving to the swooning throng with a clearly practiced "princess Diana" wave. Adler was seen leaving St. Michael's, looking kinda dejected like, kicking cans down the street. When asked by a reporter: 'Archbishop Patriarch Randy Adler, you just lost your communion in a poker game...where are you going now?"

Adler, though through slurred speech, muttered..."I'm going to Hooters."

:lol: Very funny Arch-bish Ned!

Keep us rolling Ned aka Stupid Flanders


U da man :lol:

To Quote the Lyrics of Margaritiville:

"Some people say that there's a woman to blame.....but I know......Its my own damn fault."

LOL

I hate to sound like a broken record, but for the umpeenth time on these forums I'll quote the Patriarch's Council Statement:

We state that the errors and mistakes are not the actions of any one man or one office but rather we share a collective guilt and will collectively in consensus move forward.

In other words, Rochus, collectively it's your fault.

Good to see you here again, Arch Bish Ned!

Wisdom (on occasion) disguised as humor. Who would have thunk it. Ned you should change your name to Ned the great and powerful OZ. Definitely not stupid!

A.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Alberta....yet, sadly, I am quite stupid.
Like my life's hero, Forest Gump once said..."Stupid is as stupid does." So, let it be with Ned.

-Ned

Ok all I have a confession to make:


I am coming out of the Closet ----------

I am becoming Catholic and going HOME TO ROME yippity skippity ;)

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, but now you've already voted."

Here's one with the Devil in it...

3 dudes, an engineer, craftsman and a simpleton died and were sent to hell. There, the devil met them and told them "make me something and I will test it by melting it. You get to go to heaven if I fail to melt your creations."

The first, an engineer, came up with some sophisticated mechanism which could withstand scorching melting heat... However, the devil melted it and there went the engineer's chances to go to heaven.

The second, the craftsman created a beautiful work of art. However, even that melted at the devil's hands and so stayed the craftsman in hell.

The third guy however, didn't create anything and instead told the devil, "just try melting this", taking something out of his pocket. And so the devil tried, and tried, and tried... He huffed and puffed, using all the power he had trying to melt the thing until he gave up.

The devil asks, "what is this?" To which the simpleton coolly replies, "M&Ms... Melts in your mouth, not in your hands."

Subject: Italian Boy's Confession




ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I
have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little
Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her
name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina
Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're
very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned
and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
Boy now for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his
friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good
leads."

Well, Ned, I just couldn't pass this one up! My lovely Bride and I have puzzled over what these other streams might, in fact, be...and we've come up with more than 30 just from our experiences and observances in our little perish, I mean parish:

STREAMS OF CONSCIENCE-NESS

1. The Insanity Stream
2. The Hallelujah Stream
3. The Blah, Blah, Blah! Stream
4. The Totalitarian Stream
5. The Prosperity Stream
6. The Save the Chairs! Stream
7. The Anti-Three Bean Suppers Stream
8. The Anti-Squirrel Stream
9. The “Dogs Don’t Go To Heaven…and Besides, I Hate Dogs!" Stream
10. The “They’ll know we are Christians by our DISCIPLINE!” Stream
11. The God Likes Skinny People Best Stream
12. The “Don’t Sin!” Stream
13. The Poverty=Rebellion Stream
14. The Two-Child Limit Stream
15. The “Get over it!” Stream
16. The “Shut up and listen!” Stream
17. The Rectors Rule Stream
18. The Money=Righteousness Stream
19. The “Tithe or Else!" (Scary Music in the Background) Stream
20. The SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, STREAM AND SPAM Stream
21. The No-Egg-Hunt-Till-You’re-Six Stream
22. The “NO SUGAR!” Stream
23. The “Diabetes is YOUR OWN Fault!” Stream
24. The "I'd rather be Wrong with Bishop than Right on my own!" Stream
25. The Clone your Own Stream
26. The "Follow this Prophetic Formula and God will heal you!" Stream
27. The No Questions Allowed, Blinders On, Forward Ho! Stream
28. The "Only Sinners Have Insomnia" Stream
29. The "Jesus Has Favorites!" Stream
30. The "Love?...Never Heard of It!" Stream
31. The Sacraments 8&9 (Tobacco & Alcohol) Stream
32. The Prophecy Police R US Stream
33. The "We Hate Fags!" Stream
34. The "People are Expendable" Stream
35. The God Hates Sin AND Sinners!" Stream
36 The Passion is for Sissies! Stream
37. The Shun the Infidels! Stream

GRRRRRRRRRRRR Ruff Rufff

The Dog

p.s. them theres fightin words!!!

Q: How many CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: CHANGE???????

Q: No. Really, how many CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least 15. One to change the light bulb(His exaltedness Randolph Adler) and prophecy that this light bulb will replace all other light, and three member of the patriarchs council to silence all decent and tweak the official statement.

Q: Seriously, How many CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine call David Zampino to complain about it being posted on the form before, during or after its official announcement.

Q: Really, How may CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lightbulbs? We don't need no stinking lightbulbs we've got Corn Cannons!

Q: No really, How many CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really takes 10 CEC Bishops but I guess the we will have to live in the dark because...we can't find ten Bishops in the CEC anymore.

Q: I'm dead serious, How many CEC Bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: With all the energy being put into finding out who Rochus and the Dog is there isn't really enough energy left to even light the buld...whats the use.

The world may never know!!!!!

HA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I especially liked #3! You have NO IDEA!!!!! (Well, maybe you do!)